Broken
by XxAliceannaxX
Summary: Sometimes, we must accept that we are broken and can never be fixed. -ONESHOT- Rated T for talk of suicide and because I'm very paranoid


_Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head_

_I know it's over – still I cling_

_I don't know where else I can go…_

The day had begun just as any other for Severus Snape. He woke up at the crack of dawn, and lie in his bed until he knew breakfast was over. It had been months since he had gone down to the Great Hall for breakfast. What was the point of it? He would see Lily snogging Potter over their morning porridge and lose his appetite. He could barely keep food down as it was, without being affronted with the living proof that his nightmares had come true.

He would then throw on his robes, and walk slowly down to the Potions classroom, to wait for his first class of the day to begin. He both loved and dreaded this class. It was his only class with Lily. They were both in their seventh year now, and both had continued Potions. Severus got to see Lily (without Potter draped around her constantly) and, though her demeanor was as cold towards him as ever, she would occasionally ask him to hand her certain ingredients if they were at the same table. Every time he heard her voice or see her even look in his general direction (for she never looked him directly in the eye), he would be filled with hopeless, childish excitement. He hated himself for this. He had long come to terms with the futility of attempting to reestablish a friendship with Lily.

The day had begun just as any other for Severus Snape. He threw on his robes and strode down to the Potions classroom to wait for Professor Slughorn. Today, however, Severus saw something he didn't expect. He was usually the first student there. Yet there were about six or seven girls standing outside the classroom, all giggling and gathered around something in their midst that was apparently highly amusing. Severus quickly decided he didn't care, leaned against the wall a ways away from the group of girls (who were now whispering excitedly amongst themselves), stuck his nose in a book, and tried his best to ignore them. He was successful at this, until he heard a beautiful, heart-breakingly familiar voice coming from the center of their group. Careful not to lift his eyes from his book, he slowly inched towards them, now listening intently.

"It's beautiful!" exclaimed a short, pudgy Gryffindor witch.

"When did he ask you?" asked another Gryffindor.

"Just this morning!" answered Lily. Severus could hear the giddiness in her voice. While the girls surrounding her cooed and offered their congratulations, Severus could not help but raise his eyes at Lily's last words. His heart had dropped into his stomach and he desperately wished that he did not exist at that moment. When he raised his eyes, he may have noticed that many of the other students had now wondered back from breakfast and were talking quietly amongst themselves. He may have seen them, if his attention wasn't completely devoted to the elegant ring with the large diamond that was now on Lily's ring finger. Wishing desperately that he hadn't looked up, his eyes traveled up to her beautiful smile and to the blush that painted her cheeks, and finally, up to her eyes. They were happier than he had ever seen them. He felt a lump rising in his throat and his stomach felt like it had digested his internal organs. Severus couldn't feign reading anymore, not when Lily glanced over at him for a split second and her brilliant green eyes caught his empty black ones.

Severus clapped his book shut, turned sharply on the spot and walked away quickly. He could feel the tears welling up behind his eyes, even has he fought desperately to keep them in. As soon as he turned the corner, he broke into a run. He had no idea where he was going. He didn't care. He didn't care about the sound of his shoes clapping against the stone floor. He didn't care that he could hear some laughter sounding after his sudden departure. All he cared about was getting away. He ran for a few more minutes before finding himself at the entrance to the Slytherin common room. Not knowing where else to go, he choked out the password and walked into the deserted room. He swiftly ascended the stairs to the boys' dormitories and collapsed on his bed, sobs now racking his body.

_It's over… it's over… it's done, I'm done… she's gone _ was all his mind seemed capable of thinking. He had worked so hard throughout his sixth and seventh year. Worked to prove his worth to her, by becoming the most gifted student in his year. He worked at an attempt to earn her forgiveness. He had even mastered the Patronus charm, as well as being able to brew any potion in the textbook; even improving upon them. He almost laughed at his own stupidity. _Lily sees me as dirt under her shoes. Who would want me, especially someone as beautiful and kind and virtuous as her? I'm filth. I'm darkness, when she is light. I could never be so selfish as to ruin her beauty with my pollution. I have been touched by The Dark Lord; I have no right to lay a finger on her. _He could almost hear her voice in his ear.

"Severus, if you are so clever, why am I in James' arms, while you cry alone, like the coward you are? Severus, if you are so worthy, why won't you prove it to me? Do everyone a favor, and make your exit from this world. You are a coward, Severus," Lily's voice rang through his mind, as it so often did. She was right. She always was.

He slowly, with a shaking hand, drew his wand from the inside of his robes. He then took his robes off and unbuttoned his shirt, leaving his thin, bony chest bare. He was going to use his own spell: _Sectomsempra. _He had created this spell to hurt himself. In his fifth year, he had nearly bled himself to death, until he saw the blood seeping from his chest and arms; he quickly healed himself, and then hated himself for years after that. He had resolved to use this spell only for enemies. _ But, _he thought, _I am my own enemy. _He raised his hand and pointed his wand at his torso. "_Sectomsemp-"  
_"Severus!" The door had burst open and a boy Severus' age came sprinting into the room. He whisked Severus' wand out of his hand. Severus, still blinded by tears could not see his savior's face, but he recognized the voice immediately.

"Evan?" Evan Rosier. One of the _very _few people Severus considered a friend.

"Sev, I saw you leave… you looked… distraught. I barely know how to describe it." Evan sat down beside Severus on the bed, looking very worried. "Look… with Evans… I know you fancy her-"

"What do you know about about it?" snapped Severus, leaning away from Evan.

Evan looked even more concerned at this. "I spend almost every day with you, of course I've noticed it… You know I'm here for you, right? Why are you doing this, Severus? This is a coward's way," he said, gesturing vaguely to both Severus and his wand. "_You _are not a coward. This is the easy way out, Sev. You are strong. Show it."

Severus did not answer. Evan didn't seem to realize that he wasn't helping in the least.

"There are other girls out there. You'll find someone else."

Severus slowly stood up and walked towards the door. Before he reached the door, he turned and said, "Love does not exist for people such as you and I, Evan. The Dark Lord has marked us. That has been stolen from us."

"Sev…"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Severus had reached the end of his patience with Evan. Every part of his body was aching. All he could think was that he wanted it to end. He wanted to be in the cool earth and be buried. He wanted to die, so maybe, just maybe, the constant pain he had been in for the past two years would finally end.

Evan looked genuinely hurt, but he was still worried for his friend. "What about your mother?" he said quietly to Severus' back. Severus stopped in his tracks. "She'll have no one to protect her from your father…"

Severus half-turned, but thought better of it and left the room, closing the door behind him and leaving Evan alone in their shared dorm. He wanted to be alone. He slipped carefully out of the Slytherin common room and into the corridor. He began walking towards the grounds, careful to avoid the professors strolling throughout the castle. He made it out of the castle and onto the grounds with no run-ins with the staff. He vaguely registered his luck as he continued walking through the grounds, not really sure where he was going. After around fifteen minutes of walking he found himself entering the Forbidden Forest. He knew he shouldn't be here, but he didn't care. He could be alone here, at least. He walked a little ways into the forest and sat down, resting against a tree trunk. He wanted to finish the deed he had attempted before Evan interrupted him. He grabbed at the inside of his robes, trying to find his wand in the oversized cloak. It was then that he realized dully, that Evan still had his wand. Severus felt that he could curse Evan right now.

So, unable to do much else, Severus crossed his arms over his knees, put his head down on top of his elbows, and sobbed. He sobbed until there was nothing left to cry. He cried to let out all the feelings he had barely been able to restrain for almost a year.

Pictures kept flashing through his mind. Lily in her wedding gown. James and his best man, Sirius, waiting for her at the alter. The look on her face when she had caught eyes with him that morning. Lily's stomach swollen in pregnancy. James, the proud father. Severus' own mother crying in fear as his father towered over her, threatening her. In the next instant, where his mother had been, Lily now was, with James threatening her. These images went on and on. For how long, Severus had no idea. But when he raised his head again, his eyes red and uncomfortable, it seemed to be nearing twilight. I had only been midday when he left.

The great thing about crying is that one usually feels better afterward. Severus felt much calmer. He had come to an uneasy truce with this situation. If Lily was happy, then that would have to be enough for him.

_It's so easy to laugh,_

_It's so easy to hate,_

_It takes strength to be gentle and kind_

_Love is natural and real,_

_But not for you, my love_

**A/N: So, this was just a random little story that came to mind today in the car. It's not very good. I haven't even read over it twice. Reviews ARE APPRECIATED. I love criticism. It helps me get better The lyrics at the beginning and end are from _I Know It's Over _by The Smiths. A lot of this fic was based slightly on the lyrics, as well. Obviously, I don't own the Smiths or Harry Potter. Please tell me what you think! **


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